DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Overlaps Between Domestic Violence and Incestuous Sexual Abuse: Implications for Advocates and South Asian Women's Organizations
~ © Grace Poore, 2003 ~

Note: This article was first published in Sexual Assault Report, Nov/Dec 2003.
[Online version: Jan 22, 2004]

Both domestic violence and incestuous sexual abuse occur between individuals who are in trusting relationships, relationships where there are unequal power dynamics, and relationships that are set within a household or family. Consequently, families in which domestic violence and/or incestuous sexual abuse are occurring have to contend with the reality that both victim and perpetrator are part of the same family, therefore raising questions of loyalty, honor, and secrecy.

In The Children We Sacrifice, video documentary, three incest survivors attribute their fear of disclosure to the pre-existing domestic violence in their homes. The first is a young Sri Lankan woman who, at seven years of age, was raped on two separate occasions by her uncle in her grandparents' house.

"I didn't tell anything to my grandmother because my father is very violent, I thought grandmother would have told it to my father. If he had known it, he would have killed his brother and he would have to punish my mother because she sent me there." (Excerpt from The Children We Sacrifice, SHaKTI PRODUCTIONS, 2000)

Another Sri Lankan survivor could not reveal her violation, at age four, by a male household worker who exposed himself and attempted penile penetration. In this instance, volatile conditions at home were largely due to her mother's violence (which was both physical and emotional).

"I did not know how my mother would react. Would she be angry? Would she be angry at the man, would she be angry at me? I would like to think that my mother would have been extremely angry at what had happened but knowing that she was emotionally abusive and she got very angry for a number of minor things, whether or not I had committed them, there was always that hesitation to tell her and to reveal what had happened." (Excerpt from The Children We Sacrifice)

In my own case, disclosure at any point during the many years of sexual abuse by my uncles would have resulted in violence because of the unquestioned abusive authority of my father, which gave me reason to expect punishment rather than protection from the sexual abuse.

"My father is a very violent man. I didn't tell for the simple reason that I was afraid. I was afraid. And there was no supportive atmosphere at my home that made it okay for someone like me, a child, to say, this is happening to me." (Except from The Children We Sacrifice)

Link Between Domestic Violence and Incest

These survivor narratives underscore the reality that in many families domestic or family violence and incestuous sexual abuse are happening simultaneously. Even if there is no physical battering of a parent, there is often physical abuse of the children. Even if the person committing the incest is not also the person who is battering, the climate of domestic violence in the home provides incest perpetrators additional means to coerce silence from victims. Even if the incest perpetrator does not coerce silence, the victim is effectively silenced by fear of the battering parent.

Both victims of incestuous sexual abuse and domestic violence live with a fragile sense of safety. For battered women who are currently being battered, this fragility is ongoing until all forms of the abuse stop permanently. For formerly battered women, like women who were sexually abused as children, the idea of safety is intertwined with the residual effects of betrayal by a known and trusted perpetrator.

Another important overlap, which is controversial because of its implications, is the connection between child sexual abuse and violence in later life. Studies have concluded that juvenile sex offenders are more likely to have mothers who were sexually abused as children (Sgroi and Dana, 1982) and were physically battered by a husband or boyfriend (New and Stevenson, 1999). Multiple studies have also found that those who were victims of incest are more likely to become victims of rape, which overlaps with witnessing domestic violence as a child and entering relationships with batterers in adulthood.

Mother's Reactions

While many mothers do support their daughters and expose incest perpetrators, a number of them do not. For instance, some studies show that women who did not receive any protection while they were being sexually abused as children are unable to parent their own children safely. They are psychologically absent and miss signs of abuse (Sgroi and Dana, 1982; Cole and Woolger, 1989; Smith and Saunders, 1995). In part this is attributed to the coping style of women who are survivors of child sexual abuse. Unlike men, they tend not to abuse others but, rather, repress the abuse and use denial to cope. This denial leads to psychological absence that in turn results in these survivors' inability or refusal to believe their own children when sexual abuse is discovered (Myers and Brewin, 1994). Just as women who are incest survivors are blamed for not detecting sexual abuse of or by their children, battered women are also frequently blamed and punished by the courts for inadequate parenting and failing to protect their children from physical violence or incest by the batterer. (Bancroft and Silverman, 2002)

Most of the studies referenced in this article did not look at male parenting or guardianship by non-offending males, which may raise questions about researcher bias. Regardless, there is no escaping that the overlaps between domestic violence and incestuous sexual abuse are clear indicators that advocates working with battered women need to be aware of the complexities involved when women are:

struggling against different forms of violence;
trying to cope with past and present abuse;
dealing with current violence against themselves and their children;
faced with having to intervene on behalf of their children when, as children, they had no protection from parental battering and/or incest perpetration.

Need for Support Services for Incest Survivors

This article is written with the intention of helping battered women's advocates and domestic violence organizations understand the importance of looking at the overlaps between domestic violence and incestuous sexual abuse. Given the scarcity of South Asian service-providers for South Asian battered women and incest survivors, it may be time to explore the possibility of including support services to South Asian incest survivors and incest interventionists as part of services that are already being provided to South Asian battered women.

However, in order for services to evolve, South Asian organizations must develop their capacity for assisting child victims of incestuous sexual abuse, adult survivors, and those needing assistance with incest intervention. The knowledge and expertise necessary for issues related to incestuous sexual abuse is different from what is needed for domestic violence. But this should not be a barrier. Advocating for incest victims and survivors requires appropriate training as does advocating for battered women.

Community Outreach and Education

Community outreach and education also need prompt attention. South Asian advocates and organizations should include information about the overlap between domestic violence and incestuous sexual abuse in South Asian communities. Otherwise, while silence is being broken about domestic violence, incest may continue to be shrouded in secrecy. In families where both domestic violence and incestuous sexual abuse occur, one-sided awareness-raising may reinforce the very myths that advocates need to confront, i.e., that incest does not happen as much and is not as serious in South Asian communities. Furthermore, a one-sided breaking of silence implies that while domestic violence should be exposed, incest must remain underground because of its heinousness. This hierarchy compartmentalizes services to women who may need services for both kinds of violence.

Given that both forms of abuse involve perpetrators and victims from related spheres of trust and safety, focusing exclusively on services for battered women creates a false and unnecessary dichotomy between domestic violence and incestuous sexual abuse when, in reality, incest often thrives in families and households where other abusive power dynamics already exist.

It is my hope that more research and policy initiatives will take into consideration the implications of overlaps between domestic violence and incest within South Asian families. Also, services and funding should begin to address the need for comprehensive services that deal with the entire spectrum of inter-generational, family violence prevention.

The following list is by no means exhaustive and is meant to provide a starting point for discussions and activism around the overlaps between domestic violence and incestuous sexual abuse.

1. Some overlapping harmful myths in South Asian communities about domestic violence and incestuous child sexual abuse.

It does not happen or does not happen as much in South Asian families.
It mostly happens in uneducated families.
Those who perpetrate are "sick" individuals.
There's nothing we can do about it because it's a private matter.
Those who allege violence are making up stories for personal or tactical gain in custody disputes so fathers are denied access to their children.
This type of violence happens outside, no inside the home.
It only happens to females.
My child/sister/friend/daughter would tell me if she were going through it.

2. Some parallel harmful responses by South Asian families and community members when they become aware that domestic violence and/or incestuous child sexual abuse is occurring.

Silence.
Denial.
Disbelieving victim; assuming that victim is lying.
Blaming the victim for being wholly or partly responsible for the abuse.
Prioritizing family or community reputation or harmony.
Minimizing harmful effects of the abuse.
Minimizing the extent of the abuse.
Harboring the perpetrator.
Non-intervention.
Intervening in ways that disempower victims or survivors.
No support for victims and survivors.
Blaming external conditions for the abuse.
Assuming that once the abuse is discovered or disclosed, it will end.

3. Examples of common strategies of abuse used by perpetrators of domestic violence and incestuous child sexual abuse.

Splitting victim off from other members of family.
Isolating the family or victim from support networks within and outside the community.
Ensuring secrecy.
Setting up victims for the abuse by creating conditions that excuse or "normalize" the abusive behavior.
Manipulating victim with apologies, gifts, or promises to stop abuse.
Couching the abuse behind assurances or explanations of love.
Using lies and deception to confuse and entrap the victim.
Using intimidation and threats to coerce and silence victim.
Threatening to harm others if the victim tells.
Demanding unquestioned attention, loyalty and obedience.
Using physical violence, emotional, verbal and psychological control.
Accusing victim of colluding in the abuse.
Blaming victim for provoking the abusive behavior.
Denying or justifying the abuse.
Minimizing the abusive behavior and impact on the victim.
Creating an environment of shame and guilt for the victim.
Coming across as a better or more capable parent than the non-offending guardian/parent.

4. Examples of family dynamics that overlap in situations of domestic violence and incestuous child sexual abuse.

Atmosphere of secrecy.
Stigma of abuse and fear of taboo contributes to need for silence.
Fear of losing family, marriage and social status often discourage outside intervention.
Silent eyewitnesses.
Distrust among family members.
Blurring of boundaries with regard to role/expectation of guardians and the role/expectation of children.
Divided loyalties between victim(s) and non-offending guardian(s).
Conflicting emotional response to perpetrator.
Children may act out at home, at school and outside of family.
Family's fear of perpetrator.
Family revolves around perpetrator's needs.
Emotional absence by perpetrator except during abuse.
Emotional absence of non-offending guardian.
Hampering by perpetrator of non-offending guardian's ability to parent and protect child victims.
Inter-generational and multi-generational abuse, causing further disruption in family relationships, such as father abusing his daughter or daughter-in-law and his grandchildren; brother abusing his sister as well as nieces or nephews; cousin abusing a series of different cousins across different age clusters.

5. Some long-term and short-term effects that are experienced by both child victims and adult survivors of domestic violence and incestuous sexual abuse.

Wide range of physical and psychological health problems, some of which are chronic and debilitating.
Weakened immune systems that can lead to various medical problems over the course of a lifetime.
Problems with emotional and mental health, some of which are linked to physiological disease.
Compromised capacity for emotional and sexual intimacy.
Long-term difficulties with forming trusting relationships.
Internalizing and using power and control tactics as youth and as adults on others who are more vulnerable, therefore increasing the potential for victims (male more than female) to become perpetrators.
Self-destructive coping mechanisms such as alcohol and drug abuse, eating disorders, violence against self and others.
Suicidal ideation and completed suicide.
Damaged sense of self.
Confusion about responsibility for the abuse.

6. Instances where conditions might lead a child victim of domestic violence or incestuous sexual abuse to perpetrate the abuse on someone else.

Long-term unchecked abuse by one or multiple perpetrators.
Severe physical or sexual abuse that is accompanied by emotional abuse.
Non-intervention by other people in victim's life.
Poorly carried out or incomplete intervention while abuse was happening.
Negative response to victim when abuse is disclosed, such as disbelief, victim-blaming, minimization, invalidation, silencing, punishment.
Absence of non-abusive role-models or relationships to counteract the implicit and explicit messages conveyed by the abuse.
Negative, non-supportive or damaged relationship with non-offending guardian/parent.
Poor follow-up on victim's needs due to lack of awareness or inadequate resources.
Inadequate support for victim's non-offending guardians or support network, resulting in inadequate support for victim.
No consequences for the perpetrator.
Rewarding abusive behavior by the perpetrator.

7. Examples of parallel mitigating factors that contribute to victims and survivors recovering from domestic violence and incestuous child sexual abuse.

Disclosing the abuse sooner rather than later.
Having the emotional and conceptual language to talk about the abuse.
Positive intervention and appropriate response to disclosure.
Clear external indicators that the abusive behavior is not condoned.
Opportunities for dealing with the abuse without shame or blame and in a supportive environment such as through counseling, therapy, peer support, or family care.
Consistent and appropriate follow-up in keeping with victim's needs.
Adequate support for victim's non-offending guardians to assist victim with recovery.
Assistance from service-providers who are well-informed about the process of trauma recovery from abuse-related experiences.
Opportunities to experience positive non-abusive relationships that help counteract the residual effects of the abuse.
The victim's positive sense of self prior to and/or after the abuse.
Strong healthy bond between the victim and non-offending guardian/parent.
A clear sense of justice based on empathy and compassion for others.
Avenues for translating abuse experiences into meaningful opportunities, such as activism, community education, creative expression, or positive intervention and advocacy on behalf of others.
Sincere and non-imposing efforts by perpetrator to accept responsibility for the abuse and be accountable to victim.

8. Some shared barriers to appropriate support and services for South Asian battered women and South Asian incest survivors or interventionists.

Lack of racially-informed and culturally-sensitive service-providers and agencies.
Unaffordable services.
Language differences.
Class differences.
Religious differences.
Victim's isolation and lack of information about how to access services.
Family pressure and backlash against victim and service-providers.
Community pressure and backlash against interventionists, including advocates and other service-providers.
Hostile or unknowledgeable court environment, whether criminal or civil, including mental health professionals, judges, mediators, probation officers, etc.
Anti-immigrant policies and practices regarding access to social services, immigration, law enforcement.
Change-resistant board members of organizations who oppose intervention that is in the best interest of victims and survivors.
Uninformed or untrained advocates.
Victim's lack of awareness about benefits of outside intervention.
Victim's lack of positive experience with outside intervention.
Absence of reliable allies within victim's immediate or extended family.

9. Examples of shared benefits to South Asian communities when there is appropriate support and services for South Asian battered women and incest survivors or interventionists?

Greater safety for current and potential victims of domestic violence and incestuous child sexual abuse.
Better-informed individuals, which can lead to better prevention efforts.
Earlier detection and intervention when abuse takes place.
More incentives for victims to report the abuse and seek assistance.
Less incentives for perpetrators to continue abusing.
Healthier family dynamics.
Healthier victims because abuse is not compounded by secrecy and silencing.
Possibility of services for batterers and sex offenders so as to minimize their potential for repeat perpetration, while bolstering the family's and community's sense that they are being held accountable.

References:

L. Bancroft and J.G. Silverman, Batterer As Parent, Sage Press, 2002.
P.M. Cole and C. Woolger, "Incest Survivors: The Relation Of Their Perceptions Of Their Parents And Their Own Parenting Attitudes," in Child Abuse & Neglect, 1989.
L.B. Meyers and C.R. Brewin, "Recall of Early Experience and the Repressive Coping Style," in Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 1994.
M. New and J. Stevenson, "Characteristics of Mothers of Boys Who Sexually Abuse," in Child Maltreatment, 1999.
Grace Poore, The Children We Sacrifice documentary, SHaKTI PRODUCTIONS, 2000.
S.M. Sgroi and N.T. Dana, "Individual and Group Treatment of Mothers of Incest Victims," in Handbook of Clinical Intervention In Child Sexual Abuse, (ed.) S.M. Sgroi, 1982.
D. Smith and B. Saunders, "Personality Characteristics of Father/Perpetrators and Non-Offending Mothers in Incest Families: Individual and Dyadic Analyses," in Child Abuse & Neglect, 1995.

For other resources on domestic violence and incest, refer to:

Judith Herman, Trauma And Recovery, Basic Books, 1997.
Grace Poore, "The Mother Question: What's Up With Men?" in Sexual Assault Report, November/December 2002.
Grace Poore, "What Is Incestuous Sexual Abuse?" [http://www.shaktiproductions.net/]

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